Saturday, November 13, 2010


Dear Saturn Ion,

You know, I am going to make a personal goal to not swear throughout this entire post, even though, I hate you so much that swearing is really all I want to do when I discuss you.
We've had a very rocky relationship, you and I. I feel very betrayed by you and wish that you'd just go ahead and die. Sorry to sound harsh, but that is my wish for you. Cars really have one purpose and one purpose only, to transport the driver from point A to point B. But you, Mr. Ion, can't even do that. What good are you as a car if you won't even run? You should be ashamed of yourself. And what's more, it's quite obvious that you would really prefer not to run because when we take you in to get fixed, you run like a champ. (I'd really like to swear at you right now. But I won't stoop to your level). The mechanics turn to us and go, "seems fine to me!"
Now, I've thought long and hard about how to get rid of you, but I can't quite figure out how to smash you into something without causing harm to myself. I could drive you to a sketchy part of Dayton and hope someone steals you, but really, who are we kidding, you wouldn't start. You'd just sit there and the thieves would lose interest in this so called "car" that doesn't run.
So listen up, I know you hold the upper hand right now, and I know you're a little hurt because you hardly ever get used, but lets be honest, why would we drive anywhere with you, with the baby in the car, if you just decide not to start? We don't want to be trapped away from home with this poor excuse for a car.
Now I know we've had some good times together... I can't remember any right now, but I'm sure there were some. I just need you to do whatever it is that you need to do to get yourself together... go to counseling, go find some other Saturn friends and cry about the fact that your company sucks, I don't know, but don't take it out on me. I bought you, ok? I treat you well. I change your oil, wash you, rotate your tires, get you regular tune ups, etc etc. Now do your part and just run. Start when I turn the key. It's really quite simple.

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